"But we're not a real bank," she replies, "we don't have any money, this is a sperm bank."

"Don't fucking argue, open the fucking safe or I'll blow your head off!" says the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she's opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it."

"But it's full of sperm!' she replies nervously.

"Don't argue, just drink it' he says. She pries the cap off and gulps it down."

"Take out another one and drink it, too!" he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off the mask and to the woman's amazement it's her husband!

"There!" he says, "it's not that fucking difficult is it?!"

This kid came home from school one day and his dad says...
"How was your day?"
"alright but I got a F in math"
"Why"
"THe teacher asked what 2*3 was and I said 6"
"but that's right"
"Then she said what is 3*2"
"What the fuck is the difference?"
"That's exactly what I said"

Up in the Ozark mountains lives a hillbilly family and in this family we have Ma, Pa, Junior and Sis. (an accent works really well when you tell this joke) One day when Ma and Pa were in the kitchen, Junior walked in and said to his father"Whaat's sex Paw?" and Pa replied "I can't rightly explain it son, I'll have to show ya. Ma git down on the floor and hitch up yer dress so I can git on ya". Ma got down on the floor and pulled up her dress. Pa pointed to Ma and said "Now Junior, you see that there hole in Ma? Watch this". Pa climbed on top of Ma and they were doing the nasty when Sis walked in and said to Junior "Hey Junior, “watcha doin'"? "Well I's learning about sex"replied Junior. "What's sex?" asked Sis. "Well Sis, you see that there hole in Pa? Watch this".

This elderly gentleman enters a baseball stadium and sits down in his seat. About five minutes later a young punk rocker enters the area. He has spiked hair sticking straight up and is colored with like yellow, blue, red and green (You got the picture right?) Anyway he sits down about five seats in front of where the elderly gentleman is sitting. The elderly gentleman can't stop staring at this punk rocker. After a few minutes the punk rocker turns around and says to the old man "Are you looking at me?"...The old man says "As a matter of fact I am!" The punk rocker saya "Well don't bother me!" The old man says " You know something... "When I was your age I was in Vietnam"... "So...what do you want... a medal?!" says the punk rocker. "No" said the old man, "In vietnam, in the jungle at night we all did some crazy things... One night I fucked a parrot.....and I was just wondering if you were my son?!"

After six months or so of almost total isolation, Sam is finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there's a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

"Name's Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge...havin' a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come."

"Great," Sam says, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."

As Enoch is leaving he stops. "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem...after 25 years of Harley riding, I can do that with the best of them."

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Damn!" Sam thinks, "tough crowd...sounds like the Redwood Run." "Well," he says, "I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."

Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties too."

"Now that is not a problem," says Sam, "remember, I've been alone for six months. I'll definitely be there! By the way...what should I wear to the party?"

Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want...it's just gonna be the two of us."

Stanley, the sperm, was always exercising. He wanted to be in top physical condition.

One of the other sperm asks, "Stanley, why do you always work-out instead of lounging around like the rest of us?"

Stanley replied, "Well, there is only one sperm that impregnates a woman. I am going to be that sperm."

A few days later, things started heating up and all the sperm were ready to go. When the time was right, Stanley was out-distancing all the other sperms by a great distance. Suddenly, Stanley started swimming back toward the other sperm, screaming wildly, "Go back, go back it's a blowjob!"

After an hour or so they are finished and Mrs.Jones says:"wait here for a moment" she soon comes back with breakfast on a tray and there is $5 on it as well,this has gotten Mr.Nelson even more confused so he asks Mrs.Jones what this is all about and she replies by saying:"well you see this morning before my husband went to work I was having a talk with him and I thought it would be a good idea if we did something nice for you since you always bring our mail up to the door an he said":"Awww,fuck him give him $5" "The breakfast was my idea!"

There were 2 fishermen out in a boat on a lake. one looks to the other and says: I saw you with your new wife last night and she sure is gorgeous, I'll bet you love getting that pussy. The other fisherman replies: No I can't fuck her, she has gonnorhea. Damn man! Well,I bet she gives one hell of a blow job. No, she can't suck my dick cause she's got pyarrhea. Damn, well there' always anal sex. No I can't fuck her in the ass cause she's got diarrhea. Well, what in the hell did you marry thi girl for if she has all these problems? Because she also has worms and I love to fish!

A man goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.

One week later, the man again goes into his son's room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.

The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn't eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.